blogging for the incredibly uncommited

It has been approximately 2 years ago (less a couple of months) since i wrote my last blog. Seriously, i dont know why i bother to do this since it obviously isnt a passion or hobby of mine. However i do continue to sporadically sit down and write about how I'm feeling and stuff. Ususally spurred on by a big change in my life, times of ultimate stress or even just reading a friends blog and being inspired, blogging has been my way to occassionally tell the world exactly how I'm feeling. Actually only one person ever reads this, so not the world just one curious follower. So to my one follower, thank you for taking the time to read this :)

A quick update about what has been going on in my life since my previous post. I moved home on december 20th 2009 and have been here ever since. After moving back in with my parents i spent about a month sorting out how i was feeling about being home, and ultimately what i was going to be doing with my life now that i was here. I eventually began working night shift at the local tim hortons which really destroyed my sleep for a solid ten months. I give serious kudos to those who work night shift all the time, i felt like i never slept and couldnt imagine doing that for years! Working nights at tims was not ideal, but it allowed me to save enough money to buy a car (which is a long story in itself) and begin to make the transition to becoming a student once again. After upgrading my highschool math I was accepted into the business management program at conestoga. I began school january 10th 2011. After semester one i took a second job and proceded to completely wear myself out going to school and working more than full time. So here i am...

I got about a month off of school and really have been working hard to make things happen for myself. Its hard though because i really feel like despite the fact that i have been busting my ass for the last four months i have absolutely nothing to show for it. I continue to feel like i can never get ahead, and it almost doesnt seem worth it. I start school on tuesday, and after quitting tim hortons this week i am looking forward to the break that this school year will bring. Whoever said that summer was fun... well they lied. I'm uncertain what i will be doing once the season ends at the golf course i work at. It stresses me out just a little...

Okay, now more importantly, is it too much to ask that something interesting happen in my love life? Well i should say lack there of. I mean im in college, isnt that supposed to be when you meet "the one" or at least, you know, go on a date? I guess we shall see what happens

sending good karma out into the universe...hoping to recieve some back!

oh and to answer your question, i have yet to see two crack heads fighting over a chocolate bar here in baden...

going home

I'm done, I'm coming home. No more partying , no more rediculous spending, that's it.

After I made the decision to come home, i saw the most horrible thing happen. I was on the skytrain and saw two junkies get into a full on fist fight over a chocolate bar. It was happening in the same section i was sitting in. It was terrifying. The whole time i couldnt help thinking that things like this dont happen in baden. I'm excited to be home and be safe, and never really have to be alone.

I hate being alone. My roommate is always gone, i live in a pretty sketchy area and it's scary.

I'm happy to be going back to what was once my life. It isnt anymore, but it will be again. I'm going home different but i hope that i will blend in. I dont want to stand out. I dont want the things i've done making me different than anyone else. I want to go back to being a student, living with my parents and never dealing with obsured obsessions and situations that i've been a part of for the last little while. I just want to be who i was before. I want to be me again. well, a more improved version of me. Since i've been here i've broken out of my shell. i dont want to be called snobby though. I'm not, i dont think im better than anyone else, i've just had the life experiences. It doesnt make me better, just more open. things change a person. and i hope it's for the better.

I'm coming home i have no idea what im going to do. i suppose i will figure it out. It's funny, my last blog was all about leaving too. But i never did. I cried for a week everytime i thought about leaving, and while our house was being packed up i basically lost it. I wasnt ready to leave. And maybe im not now. But it's for the best. I had my last little push for freedom, But im not ready, I can't deal with living as a grown up. In 25 days i will make that leap. the one back into the familiar. Away from everything that i've known for the last year and a half.

well. I suppose i've said all that i have to say. i'm going to the gym. and to get rent money and groceries.

Vancouver not a memory yet...

Okay, here goes attempt number three to write this post. Due to unforeseeable circumstances my two previous tries were unsuccessful. So it's been about a year since I last posted! It feels like it was just yesterday seriously I can't even believe how fast the last year has gone by. Around this time last year i was just beginning to finally settle in here and get used to the city. This year, I'm trying to live up the last few months I have left here. I am going to miss this city like crazy. However in the winter when it rains for 7 months straight, I will be glad to have the sunny cold instead. Right now though, the city is incredible. I don't know of anywhere you can go swimming in the ocean and look into the distance and see the snowcapped mountains. I think it's amazing that this is where I live. In most of this country you have to go on vacation to go to the mountains and the ocean. I only have to hop on a bus and I can be laying on the beach listening to the waves in 15 minutes. I already miss it here.

I suppose that it will be a good thing for me to go home, finish school, save some money. I am looking forward to it. I'll get to see some old friends and hang out with my family. I dont know for sure that I'm looking forward to living in baden :s but what can you do? I just can't believe that I'm making (for the foreseeable future) a permanent move back to Ontario I'm sure I'll be back out here in no time...well hopefully! Anyway it's about 2 1/2 months until I'm home for good...weird.

Well, I'm off to make the most of the time I have left here...Adventure Night here I come!

haha

So i've started writing letters. Bet ya can't guess to who......oh, i'm so lame. And actually super pathetic. oops.

Summer 2008...thus far

Well I got what I wanted. I'm in the grown up world. I've decided to take some time off school and figure my life out. See if what I'm doing is what I should be. I didn't do so great with school this year anyway, I was super unmotivated and I had this persistent feeling that I needed to be doing something else. So i'm working. I answer phones for a living haha....

Soon hopefully I will find out if I'm going to peru or not. i really Hope i am going. But if I dont get in, then it means its not the right time. So i'll stay here and work.

Im in vancouver....its really awesome. I love it here. I decided that Im going to be here until at least december haha.

I like where i am, but i feel a little unsettled still. I dont know why though. It's a wierd feeling for sure. I miss everyone back home, visits are more than welcome!

Bowling

so this one time, i went bowling with a friend of mine. And at the time, i felt like this friend and I were very close. so, much to my excitement, we went out and ended up getting the same score! I took it as a sign that were were good together. But this friend of mine left, and that was a really long time ago. tonight i went bowling with some other friends of mine, and it should have been a really great time, but this other friend was all that i could think about. it's really unfortunate that i can't get this friend out of my head, seriously, i think there is something wrong with me. and now, i'm listening to music that wont make anything better. it is really just making things worse. on the bright side however, i'm not crying. that could be embarrassing.

The past month has been really insane. It was my birthday, which was pretty great. and i had a lot of fun out with some close friends and some new friends.
then i went to california, i went to visit my aunt and it was really amazing. i kind of wanted to see some friends while i was there, one in particular. but i didnt. which is okay, i'm kinda glad that i didnt, because i had a really good time anyway.

School is soon going to be really stressful, and i'm not doing very well in school right now. i hate that i'm not, i'm not trying hard enough i dont think. i should try harder. which is what i should be doing right now, studying. i have no motivation though. why am i even in school? i dont get it, it's not what i want, that's what i've decided. i want to be out there, experiencing life and not learning how many ways i can procrastinate writing a paper or how long i can put off studying. university, and growing up just stresses me out. i need something different, where i can grow up in a non stressful environment.

oh well
i need to study
i dont really want to
i should run
but i'm too lazy
it's too cold to be cool
i miss california
i need something to fill the loneliness i feel
i wish i could forget
i need to get my mind on something else
it's been too long.

untitled

It's winter. I hate winter. But the one good thing about the beginning of this winter is the fact that my classes are done. It is so wierd to think that i have already survived my first semester of university. I've been working so much, not studying enough and dreading the exams I have comming up. This semester has been filled with so many ups and downs, and I think im in a down spot right now. I feel lonely and out of touch with everything. I feel out of place where ever I go, and it's starting to get to me. I feel anxious all the time, hopefully I move past this soon. I;ve been running, it's pretty wierd, I registered for this race next year and im so scared about it, I just want to do it and get it over with. It's almost christmas. Thats exciting I guess, i've kind of missed out on the whole christmas thing this year though, didn't get to do the normal stuff with my parents and i have no money to do the crazy shopping thing that I love. oh well. well I should be studying, ugh, story of my life. So back to it I go.