untitled

It's winter. I hate winter. But the one good thing about the beginning of this winter is the fact that my classes are done. It is so wierd to think that i have already survived my first semester of university. I've been working so much, not studying enough and dreading the exams I have comming up. This semester has been filled with so many ups and downs, and I think im in a down spot right now. I feel lonely and out of touch with everything. I feel out of place where ever I go, and it's starting to get to me. I feel anxious all the time, hopefully I move past this soon. I;ve been running, it's pretty wierd, I registered for this race next year and im so scared about it, I just want to do it and get it over with. It's almost christmas. Thats exciting I guess, i've kind of missed out on the whole christmas thing this year though, didn't get to do the normal stuff with my parents and i have no money to do the crazy shopping thing that I love. oh well. well I should be studying, ugh, story of my life. So back to it I go.

what to do...

I love where I am physically, my school, my house, it's great. However, I really dont like where I am spiritually. There is something seriously wrong with that area of my life and I'm making stupid decisions. I feel like maybe I need more support in that area. And I'm really unsure of what to do, I got an interesting propsition today...join the prayer team. Should I do that if I'm struggling in that way?
I don't know
ugh

Exhaustion

school is good i think. im tired though. i think i need a nap. i wish that i didnt have to be here right now. but small group is tonight. i love them. but really i feel like having a nap instead. i work way to much for my own good.
thats all.

It's the most wonderful time of the year....

Only one week of freedom left. Well, I will still have freedom, but I have to mix that with school. Yeah. It's that time of year again. One more week until school starts. That kind of crept right up on me. Oh well, it was bound to. This year school is going to be different though. Less class time, more money. Ugh I'm already dreading the amount of debt that I will be in. It seems so unfortunate. I am coming home in a week and that marks the end of the weirdest and best and worst summer of my life. My adventures are over. But I have changed. Maybe for the better, I hope it is for the better. All I know is that I have learned and experienced things that I never thought I would. I have decided that I am now more worldly and far less naive and its a good thing. I'm ready to face a new beginning.

Weird Summer

I work in an adult shop. Ya, I know. It's money, and I need it. I think I've been acting strange. If I think it, then i must be true. Aside from selling various adult novelty items I have also been having random "rendezvous" with a few different guys. So not like me. If I was at home I wouldn't be acting like this. I think I need to be controlled. Where is my support when I need it? Clearly not here. WTF?! Ya, that's right. I just said that. Maybe it's the lack of sleep, who knows. I certainly don't. I miss home. I miss my small group. They called me, and it was nice. I just want to leave. One more month, I don't know why i came here anyway. I thought i needed a break. Well, I'm done breaking. Too bad I have to keep selling. Sometimes i have to work on the farm too. I don't really like that. Oh well. One more month then school. What the hell. University so soon. I'm definitely freaking out right now. Oh dear. :S

done

so tomorrow is my last day of highschool, ever. It scares me, but it excites me even more.

it's a rant

my hair is huge, its the humidity i swear. sometimes i feel out of control, its my hairs fault. if i can get it under control then i come next. i guess that sounds stupid, and really it is. i cant stand school work, there is so much of it to do. it just sits there, mocking me, i can feel it. 13 more days, maybe my life will calm down. maybe it wont. i need to find a job. something that pays well. i need to pay for school. back to the school topic, its always there, lurking. im going to a prom next friday. not mine, someone elses. what does that mean. what it is supposed to mean. i dont know. can it be something? i secretly harbour feelings. for who? i dont know. damn. i wish i did. why is that feeling always there, i dont even know what it is. guilt? longing? not wanting to fuck everything up? i dont know. it's friggin hot. no, humid. thats it. im so tense. whats wrong with me. i need to escape. go somewhere. get a sunburn. sunburns are bad. i know, i've been told several thousand times. my wisdom teeth hurt. i need them out. too bad im poor. im in such a wierd mood. not happy, not sad. just anxious. like im waiting for somthing. im not though. thats just it. i wish i was going somewhere. anywhere. im such a dreamer. i want things to work out. they dont always. finally i've found out that after 7 years my mom has a gravestone. finally. its about time. i wish i wasnt a slacker. i want to run. but i cant. i have crappy endurance. maybe i should swim. that involves awkward times of the day. maybe i spend too much time thinking. i should stop doing that. just do some work. i feel like i'm never going to graduate. i feel like im going to fail. i wont. i just feel like it. too many people are leaving. im staying here. man that sucks. gah...

laying on picnic tables....

so I have come to realize that these next few months of school are going to be INSANE!! I am already becoming overwhelmed with the amount of work that is piling up in front of me. Partly my own fault because I leave everything until the last minute, but also becuase teachers think its a really great idea to give us multiple big assignments in the last months of the semester...oh dear. Well I suppose that I should be used to it by now, I have endured this kind of work load before, and im sure that it wont be the last time. Anyway, despite the craziness of the next couple of months, I am so excited about school being done soon! I love summer.I've decided that i need to make the most of this summer, its my last summer of freedom, life starts in September with university and followed by a lot of work. So im going to go crazy, party, have a good time just becuase I can, I want to look back on this summer and say it was the best one of my life. Its all going to start june 28..oh my!! Prom is gonna rock! then maybe after that im going to go to the beach...or maybe run around in barefeet..or do cartwheels...who knows..i just want to have fun...This brings me to my title, laying on picnic tables and other such activities. What may you ask does this have to do with summer? Well, everything actually, summer is a time when you can lay on picnic tables, or on parking lots, or wherever you want, you know...cuz there's no snow. I have found that some of the best times i've had in the past summers involved laying on picnic tables. And the "other such activities" were mentioned previously. I know, my past times are strange, Im just that kind of a person. probably the most random pointless thing i've ever written, but now you know what i like in the summer...all these things as well as "hot cuddles, smoking cigarettes, and a little boozin' " anyone up for the beach? I know i'll be there

New

So im gonna try this blogging thing out...im not usually deep or sentimental...i just write about how i feel...sometimes random...sometimes not...
my next two posts are previously written ( i had them posted elswhere) they are from the last couple of months...